My in-laws are a positive influence in my life. Being around them makes me happy, and I am grateful that they have taken me into their family.

I want to ensure that they know how much I appreciate them.

When there is a holiday or another special event, I take the time to bake desserts or other holiday foods to help them out.

I spend time with them whenever I can and enjoy many of the same interests and activities. We invite them to fun outings with our family. Sharing our lives in this way strengthens our bond.

When my in-laws are sick, I take them a gift to cheer them up or offer to take on a few tasks for them, like cleaning the house or cooking a meal. I like to take them a potted plant, a nice dessert, or something else I think would make them feel better.

Cultivating good relationships with my in-laws is also important to my spouse. It makes my partner happy when I participate in his family gatherings, and I enjoy taking part.

Today, I want my in-laws to know how important they are to me. I am planning a special gift, customized just for them, to reflect how much I care.

Self-Reflection Questions:

1. In what ways can I show my in-laws how much they mean to me?
2. How can I ensure that the rest of my family also cultivates positive relationships with my in-laws?
3. What can I do for my in-laws for holidays or special events?

10 Ways to Build A Great Relationship with Your Mother-In-Law

1. Always remain polite

Under no circumstances should you ever be rude or act in a snide way regardless how you are feeling that day. Nothing turns off a mother in law more than someone who is only polite at certain times and unpleasant at others.

2. Watch your manners

Show her that you know your please and thank yous. The more you say these two things the better.

3. Speak nicely about her son

Never ever talk badly about her son in any way, no matter how comfortable you may be feeling about sharing things with her. She is his mother after all and all you will get is her protective mother instincts (or claws) if you ever talk badly about your partner.

4. Get to know her

As much as she will want to know what you are about, it is good if you show the same interest in her. Don’t just be answering her question, show her that you actually want to get to know her more and be closer in any way that you can.

5. Compliment her

Mother in laws love a good compliment and they will never tire of it! So, when she cooks or organizes something be sure to let her know how great she is. Say these things with a warm smile to show that you are actually genuine about it.

6. Ask for her advice in life

Doing this will show her how much you respect and value her opinion. This will really make her feel like you appreciate her view on things. There is nothing better for a mother in law than knowing her future daughter in law actually wants to know her opinions on things that matter.

7. Bring gifts once in a while

You can never ever go wrong with bringing gifts during an event, dinner or just a casual visit. The more personal the gift the better, which you will be able to know if you make the effort to do step number 4.

8. Always offer help

Whenever she is trying to do something for the family or around the house, do offer to help even though you may think she doesn’t need it. It is always a great gesture to offer and it will show her how much you are trying to be in involved.

9. Be confident

Sometimes mother-in-laws want to test your security or your self-confidence in the midst of her ‘intimidation’. If you show her that you can stay true to yourself and be proud of who you are, she will be more trusting of you.

10. Act like you like her at all times!

Even if you actually can’t stand her for one bit it still does not give you an excuse to be unfriendly or displeasing in any way. This is your partner’s mother, you cannot escape her so it is best to just put on that friendly face of yours and act like you like her.

People also asked…

How to deal with an interfering mother-in-law

In many families, the mother-in-law is jokingly referred to as the “monster-in-law.” Yet, the strain that parents-in-law can place on a couple is no laughing matter. It can, in fact, ultimately destroy a relationship. According to a parenting website, one in four daughters-in-law (DIL) despise their mother-in-law (MIL), finding her “controlling.”

The site’s poll of about 2,000 women found that the DILs’ resentment stemmed largely from MILs thinking that they are the ultimate authority on parenting. A classic example is a MIL undermining a DIL in front of her husband and children. Other complaints included being made to feel not good enough for their partner, and over a third of respondents described their MIL as “judgmental” or “interfering.” Not surprisingly, nearly a quarter of respondents described their relationship with their MIL as “bad” or “terrible.” In some cases, the stress of the in-law situation led to families moving away or even to marital collapse.

Needless to say, the MIL/DIL relationship is most stressful for the DIL. If your own situation is causing you anguish, learning how to manage your feelings and the situation is critical in taking care of your well-being and ultimately, your family’s.

1. First, sit with the self.

Before you can take on your MIL, you need to give yourself a time-out (probably more than one) to evaluate the situation and develop a game plan that’s right for you. Find a quiet space free of distractions where you can note everything that has taken place to date.

Allow yourself to process the list, mulling and fuming over it — getting all your feelings out — until you can revisit it with a calmer frame of mind. This will enable you to constructively take on the situation, coming from a more rational space when moving forward. 

2. Consider where your MIL is coming from.

With or without empathy or sympathy, try to see your MIL’s side, and how her behaviour may be a symptom of larger issues she has with herself and her relationship with your spouse — and not you. In some cases, a mother-in-law’s hostility may be an act of frustration over being disconnected from him. If this is the case, this is something that your husband needs to work on with his mother.

While it’s challenging, try to be objective as you evaluate the situation. Honestly ask yourself if she has a valid opinion. Consider if her actions and words are coming from a place of love, and if this needs to be acknowledged. Consider, too, if she’s struggling with feelings of having been dethroned in her family, and if there are ways you can make her feel important and needed in her own way.

3. Ask yourself what role you’re playing in the situation.

There are situations in which a person has done nothing to cause the relationship with in-laws to become strained. Yet there are also situations in which the DIL is doing, or not doing, something that is causing the in-laws to treat her the way they are, warranted or not. Think back to how you’ve engaged your in-laws, and ask yourself honestly if a third party could find fault with that. Are you a total victim in this scenario, or do you do or say things to instigate a negative response? If so, consider how you can change the way you’re handling the situation or reacting to it, so as not to invite any antagonism.

4. Don’t have any expectations.

We can all learn from the Buddhist belief that expectations lead to suffering. Don’t allow yourself to suffer any more: Let go of expectations around how things “should” be when it comes to family relationships. Don’t want what you can’t have. Instead, be realistic about the situation, including any non-negotiable circumstances. If you’re not going to be close, given what has transpired, maybe that’s for the better. Instead of trying to live out an illusion, contemplate how you can work with the way things are. For example, is a coolish relationship possible?

5. Be okay with not having their approval.

You don’t need anyone’s approval to live your life the way you want. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to get your in-laws’ thumbs-up. Not caring what they think about you could be freeing and empowering.

6. Trust your instincts.

If your intuition sounds the alarm, listen to it. It’s there to take care of you. Your instincts are seldom wrong.”

How to Engage

Unless your spouse wants nothing to do with his parents, you can’t ignore your in-laws. So, when you find yourself in their company, do the following:

7. Don’t try to fake a relationship that isn’t there.

Yes, they’re legally your parents-in-law, but are they really treating you like family? You don’t need to refer to your in-laws as “Dad” or “Mother,” if there is no intimacy or warmth that warrants the use of the terms. Using these words also adds to a power dynamic with them that may not work for you. In calling your parents-in-law by their first names, you create a more level playing field.

8. Be assertive.

This needs to remain central, no matter what you’re communicating. While initial attempts to engage your in-laws should be courteous, the problem with being too polite for fear of coming across as rude or pushy is that you don’t establish necessary boundaries. Thus, you aren’t able to communicate how deep the problems are, and how troubled you are.

Remember, you’re not necessarily dealing with a person or people who are nice. You don’t need to always play nice in getting your points across.

9. Avoid stooping to her level.

It is tempting to fight fire with fire, taking digs at your MIL, calling her names, or being equally rude. Don’t go there. In your discussions, no matter how heated, stick with the facts. Interact using mindfulness, and take the higher road without compromising how you will allow yourself to be treated.

How to Stay in Control of Your Emotions 

Central to managing your in-laws is managing your emotions:

10. Don’t take criticisms personally.

As Hilary Clinton put it: “Take criticism seriously, but not personally. If there is truth or merit in the criticism, try to learn from it. Otherwise, let it roll right off you.” In many cases, you’ll realize that your MIL is just being her usual self, and that she, at the end of the day, has to deal with herself and the consequences of her actions.

When she throws dirt your way, have a visualization exercise that allows the statement to literally roll off your back. Envision what she just said captured in a water balloon, which then rolls off your shoulders and down your back before smashing on the ground below your feet.

11. Have a way to deal with your anger.

This might be going for a walk following a difficult interaction, or hitting the pool to blow off some steam, or taking to the golf course for some relaxation. You cannot allow the anger to consume you, or else it will destroy you and your marriage. Find your outlets for working through the negative energy on a regular basis.

12. Find trusted persons to vent to.

Your spouse may not always be in the mood to hear about how awful his mother and parents are. It’s important to turn to good friends and/or support groups in getting some things off of your chest. Your marriage will become even more strained otherwise.

When All Else Fails… 

13. Practice a “healthy selfishness.”

You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of a situation. This involves excusing yourself from family gatherings for some quality “me time,” not answering the phone when you know it’s your MIL, and keeping your distance as a couple around times like the holiday to take care of yourselves and your family, in spite of expectations. It is only when people practice this kind of “me” and “us” prioritizing that they reach their full potential.

14. Opt out.

Some in-law situations never get to a better place. “Just because you’re married, you’re under no obligation to be emotionally abused by toxic people.” If your MIL was a boyfriend, your friends would tell you to dump him. If your MIL bullied someone, people would advise that person to keep his distance and set limits. Just because she’s your MIL doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate abuse.

15. Limit your in-laws’ involvement.

Whenever anyone becomes toxic to your marriage or family, you have the right to roll up the “Welcome” mat and say, “Game over.” You, your spouse, and your primary family have the right to a peaceful existence, with the people in your circle being those who are a positive and supportive presence. If you are being disrespected and mistreated by your in-laws, then they aren’t entitled to the privileges that come with being in that circle. You have every right to draw and maintain strong boundaries in protecting yourself and your marriage. Nobody has the right to make your life miserable, and only you can make sure of that.

Here are seven simple ways to improve your relationship with your in-laws and strengthen your own marriage in the process… (In no particular order)

1. Remember that your first loyalty MUST be to your spouse ahead of your parents or anyone else.

A marriage can’t work if one or both spouses are more influenced by parents than by their husband or wife. If you’re not putting your spouse first, or if you’re allowing your parents to talk negatively about your spouse, then YOU need to take action or the marriage might collapse.

2. Show respect even when it’s not reciprocated. Refuse to get offended.

Sometimes your in-laws might say or do something that offends you. You need to rise above by responding with patience and respect. This does NOT mean you need to be anyone’s doormat, because sometimes clear boundaries need to be implemented. When you show honour to “difficult” in-laws, you’re building bridges of peace that will positively impact future generations. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort!

3. Don’t show favouritism. 

In most marriages, one sets of parents (in-laws) gets more time and attention than the other. There are a lot of factors that contribute to this, and you need to do everything in your power to give equal time and attention to both sets of relatives. Favouritism usually leads to resentment while consistency leads to trust.

4. Intentionally stay connected to your in-laws (not just your own parents)

Don’t fall into the routine of being the one who talks to your parents and then handing the phone off to your spouse every time your in-laws call. When your in-laws call, make a point to answer the phone and have a conversation before handing the phone to your spouse. Find shared interests. Invest in your relationship. Show them you value them by giving your time and attention. Find simple ways to invest in your own relationships with them.

5. Have clear boundaries.

A healthy marriage requires that your first and strongest loyalty must always be to your spouse, so don’t allow any other family relationship to come between you. Practically, this means never call your parents when you’re having an argument with your spouse. That will create an unhealthy dynamic between your spouse and your parents. Also, don’t allow anyone (relative or not) to talk negatively about your spouse or do anything that undermines the sacredness of your marriage.

6. Celebrate differences instead of thinking one family’s way is the “right” way and the other family’s ways are always “wrong.” 

Your family’s traditions and ways are probably a lot different than your spouses’s family, both families are equally important, so value those differences. Celebrate the uniqueness of each family and find a way to bring both perspectives into your own family’s traditions.

7. Love them!

In every relationship, when we allow love to set the tone, it has a way of covering over the differences and past hurts and binding us together in a beautiful way. Let love lead the way in your family and everything else will probably work itself out!