12 Ingredients of a healthy marriage
Couples get married every day. Couples get divorced every day as well. Of all the things a man and woman can decide to do, marriage is perhaps one of the most difficult.
Wait a minute! Getting married is easy. It’s a successful and happy marriage that’s difficult to achieve.
Almost half the people who decide to get married will find themselves facing a divorce within five years or less. Although these statistics are alarming, it’s good to note that the divorce rate has declined in the last few years or at least remained stable. One of the main reasons for this however is, couples have spurned traditional marriage and elected to live together.
Living together, whether married or not, can be one of the best or worst things you’ve ever done. You enter into the sanctity of marriage with high hopes of a blissful relationship and the dreams of a beautiful home and family. For many this has become true, and for many others reality set in and they found it too difficult to continue.
What makes the difference in the success and failure of a marriage? The reasons are as many as they are varied.
Most successful marriages seem to embrace a few key ingredients.
- Both must be committed to a making the relationship work. Commitment is a scary word and many people run from the thought of a serious commitment. It conjures thoughts of a ball and chain, a nagging spouse and mounting bills that wait to be paid. If you’re to have growth and accomplishments in a marriage, both must be committed to the same values and goals. Relationships are work. If one or both parties aren’t committed to making things work, the relationship is unlikely to survive. How much of a priority is the relationship to both of you?Most relationships can be successful if the level of commitment is high enough.
- Both must have a common long-term outlook. For a relationship to thrive over the long-haul, it’s important that there be a common objective. That objective might involve children and a life in the suburbs. Or, it might be retiring at age 40 and travelling the world. Do you both want the same things 10 years or more from now?
- You’ve heard it before, you must be able to communicate. It is so important to communicate that it bears repeating. This means not only talking about the happenings of the day at home and work but also sharing private thoughts and feelings. This is crucial for both husband and wife even if it’s hard to do at first. It will become something both of you look forward to if given the chance. When it comes to communication, we also need to know how to be a good listener. We’ve been given 2 ears and 1 mouth, perhaps there is a clue in there somewhere!
- Remove or avoid distractions. Put your phone away. Our cell phones bring us closer to those far away and further away from the ones closest to us. Is that sports game or that text really that important?
- Watch for non-verbal communication (touch, facial expressions, eye contact, gestures and tone of voice).
- Be the mirror.
- Empathize, sympathize and show interest.
- Practice silence – It’s called listening.
- Ask probing questions. It helps to get a person to talk about their personal opinions and feelings and promotes critical thinking.
- Don’t interrupt or change the subject. Think before responding
4. Mutual respect is imperative in any healthy relationship. Without respect, one person will be mistreated or minimized. Do you respect each other enough that both of you feel valued and important?
5. Strive to meet each other’s needs, both emotional and physical. You must desire to take care of one another in every way. It should be a pleasure and not a chore. Treat your spouse as a friend as well as a lover and provider. Appreciate, admire and respect each other and you’ll find petty annoyances no problem at all. Hug each other – the more the better. Physical contact brings you closer together, both literally and emotionally. Researchers have found that hugging releases oxytocin. This hormone uplifts your mood and can strengthen the connection with your spouse.
Aim for at least
two hugs a day with one in the morning and one in the evening. If you can
increase this number even more, it will benefit both of you.
Researchers also point out that your benefits increase with longer hugs, so hug
for at least a minute each time.
6. You must be able to settle conflicts without abuse or resentment. Conflicts arise in any relationship. Settling conflicts fairly and respectfully is part of any healthy relationship. It’s just as important to be able to let go of any resentment that resulted from the conflict. Holding on to anger is poison to the future of the relationship. Write down your conflicts. Research from University scientists found that writing down your conflicts and arguments can help you build a stronger marriage. The key is to write about the argument in a neutral way. Instead of blaming or shaming, strive to focus on an unbiased view of the situation.
7. Never take one another for granted. It’s only human to get comfortable with what is familiar, however in marriage, you should never take your partner for granted. Consider Scheduling a consistent date night. Your schedules may be overflowing with work duties and your kid’s recitals or sports games. However, it’s crucial to take the time to spend time together.
- It’s better to have a weekly date night, and even researchers realize that this may be tough for working families. Strive for setting aside time for at least one date a month.
- Your date night is your time together – just you and your partner – so avoid including the kids, friends, or other family members. You also want to avoid distractions from your work or phones. The goal is to focus solely on each other. Should you be struggling to think of ideas for your date night, consider doing the traditional movie night. Research has found that going to movies about relationships or couples can help you with your own challenges. By discussing the movie with your partner, you can strengthen your own marriage.
8. Acceptance. Do you accept each other as you are? Some partners enter into a relationship with the objective of changing the other person to better suit their own preferences. Few people are accepting of this strategy. If you can’t accept your partner as they are, consider finding someone else. Keep in mind that no one is perfect, and you might never find the perfect partner.
9. For the relationship to succeed, both parties must be prepared to change. Recognizing that we all have faults.
10. Maintain a good balance of leisure, work and pleasure. Set common goals and work toward them. Dream together and strive to make those dreams come true. When a decision has to be made, do it together. Respect each other’s opinion and seek their help and advice. Another way of spending time together is to cook with each other. Preparing the meals may be time consuming, but according to research, it can help your marriage. It can also be a fun way to connect.
- Cooking involves sharing a complicated task together. It forces you to work with each other and delegate tasks. It helps you appreciate each other’s talents.
- In addition to cooking at home, you may want to sign up for cooking classes to learn about new dishes together.
11. Giving and receiving in our relationship is the most crucial element for a happy and healthy relationship. A balance of giving and receiving is necessary in all relationships. Giving must be reciprocated. An imbalance of giving will eventually cause resentment. This might also include connecting with your partner’s friends. You don’t have to be involved with every member of your spouse’s social circle, endeavour to be friendly with at least several of them.
12. Laugh with your spouse and not at your spouse. A sense of humor is a must if your marriage is to survive the pitfalls and setbacks all marriages endure. Ingredients of a good marriage are like the ingredients of a good recipe. Once you’ve found it, nothing could be better.
To summarise…
- Both must be committed
- Both must have a common long-term outlook
- You must be able to communicate and this includes being a good listener
- Respect
- Strive to meet each other’s needs both emotional and physical
- You must be able to settle conflicts without abuse or resentment.
- Never take one another for granted
- Acceptance
- Change
- Maintain a good balance of leisure, work and pleasure
- Giving and receiving
- Laugh